What’s love got to do with it?

As we approach Valentine’s Day people seem to have different responses to the 14th of Feb. For some, they view it as an overcommercialised day that has nothing to do with love and everything to do with making money. For some it is an opportunity to pause and celebrate a relationship and express sentiment that cannot otherwise be expressed. For others, it is a reminder of what they do not have; they are alone for a multitude of reasons and feel even more lonely and low being surrounded by adverts, shop windows, restaurants and people shouting about the day so loudly.

It is hard not to get sucked into the Valentine’s Day fantasy which is the proclamation of a love which suggests that love conquers all and there is a happy ever after where people feel they are in love forever. How exhausting!

If we only see love as a feeling, we could not sustain any relationship. We know feelings come and feelings pass through us. If we lived with one feeling all the time that would not be reality. Love is so much more than that. It includes our thoughts and our will – we choose to stay loving to people even when they hurt us or frustrate us when in a relationship, unless of course it is abusive. Otherwise, parents would not be able to sustain their relationships with toddlers with all the temper tantrums, the broken sleep, the refusal to eat etc.

The feeling of love alone is not enough to sustain a long relationship. Of course, the feeling is important, it attracts us to partners in the beginning and allows us to form relationships, just as it enables us to connect to newborn babies. However, frequently as time goes on, it may pass and fade and then come back again. Maybe that’s why we have vows/promises in the legal contract of a relationship – in those moments we are choosing to stay in relationship. We cannot promise to another person(s) that we will feel love for the rest of our lives. But we can promise to choose to stay loving in our actions and words. It is hard to stay feeling in love as we lie in bed kept awake by the snoring of another(s) or as we feed and bathe our partner who is shouting at us in their illness later in life.

“I liken the relationship itself to a precious plant in an expensive plant pot…”

How do we sustain those relationships though. There is always another in a relationship – there are the people involved and the relationship itself – I liken the relationship itself to a precious plant in an expensive plant pot that all partners hold together. All partners need to water and look after the relationship itself so that it does not die. That means time, care, attention, and love – it cannot be taken for granted that it will self-water and grow.

For those who have lost a partner(s) through divorce, separation or bereavement the task is to allow the plant pot to be put down and to be able to let it go, moving on without it, maybe carrying a little part of the plant with you, and this can be one of the hardest things to be able to do as humans.

If you are struggling with loneliness or struggling with the ending of a relationship or struggling with disappointment in your relationship and wondering if it is still right for you, perhaps counselling would be able to help you at this stage in your life. Being with a therapist would enable you to be supported as you journey through this challenging time, with their goal being to walk with you in a non-judgemental, compassionate way to help you find your answers and move on with your life.

At The Counselling Foundation, we care about relationships and love and all the complexities involved. Please reach out if you want to know more about therapy and how it could help or if you wish begin therapy.

Author: Louisa Grundy, Advanced Diploma Programme Tutor

We provide a BACP accredited counselling service, however if you are in crisis, please call the Samaritans who are available 24/7 on 116 123 or call 111.