I don’t need therapy, I have friends.

Last week, I was at a dinner and when I mentioned that I have a therapist, there came the question: “Do you really? Don’t you have friends to talk to?” I wondered why someone would equate the two and compare a therapist to a friend and I thought: Do I have a therapist because I don’t have friends? But I have friends, good and close friends. I continued the conversation because I wanted to understand how they see a ‘friend’ and how they see a therapist. Perhaps, I thought, they were envious that I have a therapist and can admit it.

I have had therapy for years, different therapies, different modalities, different therapists. I have done CBT, and short term, long term, and for the last 4 years I am in open ended psychodynamic psychoanalysis.

I also have lots of friends. I always had friends, different friends, in different stages of my life and have seen friends come and go. I have had friendship breakups and disappointments, and I am grateful for the friends I have in my life, and I value their friendship.

But these two are different situations, I don’t think it is a case of “a therapist instead of a friend”. It’s important to have friends, to meet with them and rely on them, to vent and offload. Friends are an essential part of our lives, we need friends because of our innate need of connectedness, our need to relate and belong. We choose how we connect; we choose the intimacy and level of closeness with our friends. We may have very close friends, and we talk about everything with each other, we know everything about each other. But the relationship is not the same to the relationship with a therapist.

In a friendship there is a ‘give and take’ expectation, the sense that both friends rely on each other and need each other for their own reasons. With the therapist there is no such expectation, nothing is anticipated in return from the clients. Therapists are there to listen, understand, and help their clients make sense of what they find confusing. One can talk about everything to their therapist; including shameful or embarrassing feelings because they know they will not be judged or given advice when they don’t want advice but just want to be heard, seen and feel validated.

A friend will be supportive, especially a good friend, and will alleviate some pain and discomfort, put a smile back on our face and try make us feel better about ourselves. But this is usually temporary and difficult emotions and feelings of confusion might return. It doesn’t mean the friendship isn’t working, only that a friend doesn’t have the tools to help alleviate the pain in the long term.

A good enough therapist with the right training will help their clients find a pathway in life, a way of being, feeling fulfilled, the ability to face new challenges, be in control of their life feeling satisfaction and contentment in a deeper level and in turn, that person can be that best friend one wishes for.

Author: Maria Apostolou, Advanced Diploma student

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